The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“
Government Health Officials and other sinister incompetents are warning Americans about the onset of a new brain-eating, energy-sapping, mind-numbing pandemic called the World Cup. The symptoms are lethargy, apathy, irritability and a tendency to turn on the sports news only to experience a complete blackout until you wake up in bed with a Venezuelan prostitute, a random collection of farm animals and a one-legged midget who may or may not be a Communist spy — although that last symptom may only apply to me.
Along with being a soul-destroying plague ravaging the nation, the World Cup, of course, is also the championship match of what the Europeans call Football, because it’s played with your foot and a ball, and what Americans call Soccer, because if Football were that boring, Americans wouldn’t watch it. It’s called the World Cup because the entire world participates, unlike the baseball championship which is called the World Series, because it’s played by the only part of the world that anyone takes seriously.
For those of you who have been doing something more interesting than watching soccer, like picking your nose or listening to a political discussion on The View, let me give you a quick summary of how the game is played. First, a group of men dress up like high school girls — unless it’s women’s soccer, then a group of high school girls dress up like men dressing up like high school girls, which would be confusing if anyone were watching, but it’s women’s soccer, so that’s not a problem.
Next, the girly men run back and forth kicking a ball around a field for no discernible reason. The only rule is that you’re not allowed to touch the ball with your hands. That eliminates any side-effects that might arise from the use of the opposable thumb, like, say, human civilization. Now whenever a man on one team brushes lightly against a man on the opposing team, the man on the opposing team has to throw himself down on the ground and whine and cry and make a big drama out of nothing, because if you’re going to dress like a high school girl, you might as well go the whole hog.
Then, whenever someone who is kicking the ball enters the general vicinity of the goal, everyone in the stands has to jump up and cheer as if something has happened. Otherwise, they would have to face the fact that nothing has happened and nothing is ever going to happen, and that would be intolerable. If by some random chance, the ball should actually roll into the goal, then of course there’s a riot, continuing the centuries-old global tradition of staging mass violence between people of different nations over something totally meaningless and incomprehensible that everyone would have forgotten in a week or two if so many young men hadn’t been killed in the resultant fighting.
Now this year, the World Cup is being held in the Muslim nation of Qatar, because, over the years, Christians have suffered enough. And of course Qatar being a Muslim nation, the authorities there have banned drinking at the matches and will not allow the celebration or encouragement of homosexuality. This is because the Muslim God is very serious and will kill you for your sins here and now, whereas the Christian God has a sense of humor and thinks it’s funnier to let you do whatever you want, then cast you into eternal hellfire by way of a hilarious surprise ending. This is why we reject Islam and embrace Christianity, because that actually is funnier.
Anyway, some leftist sports fans who are taking some time off from sports to watch soccer, have staged protests against the Muslim authorities by trying to enter the stadium wearing rainbow symbols or sometimes sweatshirts reading “Love is love,” which are designed to drive the Muslims crazy when they spend hours trying to figure out what it means before realizing it doesn’t mean anything.
But what’s odd about these leftists protesters is that they’re the same leftists who thought it was Islamophobic for Americans to object when Muslims came to America and murdered Americans for not believing in their humorless God, but are now themselves objecting to Muslims in their own country enforcing their religious rules so that their humorless God doesn’t kill them on the spot. This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that, for leftists, there is absolutely nothing more important in life than sodomy, and in fact they’d rather be sodomized than even live life — which explains why they’re watching soccer.
Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.