Don’t Wing It: The Non-Fan’s Guide To Surviving A Super Bowl Party

If you’re a true football fan, pick another Daily Wire story. This one’s for all the people who watch one game a year because skipping the Super Bowl is un-American, and they know Buffalo wings and beer are proof God loves us.

Your mission is to blend in with the rabid friends, relatives, and strangers who lunge and roar at the television, high-five each other over the actions of strangers, and display disturbing amounts of passion while spilling sauce and beverages on themselves. Even if you think a “touchdown” is something that comes at the end of a flight and “nickel back” refers to a Canadian band everyone makes fun of, you’ve got this.

First, here are some tips for looking and sounding like you know what is happening:

If the room is silent for a moment, chew on the earhook of your glasses and gravely mutter the phrase “field position.”
If everyone seems highly impressed with something one of the players did, marvel at his “tremendous athleticism” or ability to “stay within himself.”
If play stops, everyone moves closer to the TV, and you see a man in a black and white striped shirt looking puzzled, they are reviewing a play. This is when you pipe up confidently and say, “Remember fellas, it has to be conclusive.”
If the game is close and seems to be getting near the end, observe that “This is where clock management becomes so important.”

Do not pay attention to the halftime show, even if you are a Rihanna fan. Offer to go buy ice, or beer, or … anything. The halftime show is strictly for the non-fans and expressing any interest in it whatsoever is a dead giveaway that you are an imposter. In fact, just to be sure, you should make it a point to complain about how long it goes on, by saying something like, “Can we get back to the game? I’m eager to see what halftime adjustments have been made.”

If anyone asks you who you are rooting for, answer the Kansas City Chiefs. There are several reasons for giving this answer, but the main one is that many Philadelphia Eagles fans are mentally unstable. For many years, the team’s home stadium had its own jail. The city greases sign poles to stop naked people from climbing them and hurting themselves after big games. Eagles fans burn cars and riot even when they win. You’re not ready for that level of fandom.

Patrick Mahomes, (l.), and Kansas City Coach Andy Reid, (r.), are looking to win their second Super Bowl together. (Getty Images)

There are other reasons to cheer on the Chiefs. Their coach, Andy Reid, ran the Eagles for more than a decade before being summarily fired and resurfacing in Kansas City. Since he left, the Eagles have won one Super Bowl and so have the Chiefs. This is a real grudge match. Plus, Reid looks exactly like Wilford Brimley, and you simply cannot root against Wilford Brimley.

The Chief’s quarterback is Patrick Mahomes, and he is a very cool guy. You may have seen him in commercials for sneakers, sunglasses, insurance, and various other things. He does these endorsements in order to supplement his $40 million annual salary. That’s the kind of industriousness we can all appreciate.

Finally, root for the Chiefs because they have always resisted calls to change their name from insufferable people who insist it is somehow offensive. The Cleveland Indians and Washington Redskins bent the knee to these people, who don’t even like sports. They think any use of the Native American lexicon is racist. Ironically, they are called social justice “warriors.”

Stick to this plan and don’t overdo it, or they may invite you back to watch more games. One Sunday a year with these people is plenty. Especially the ones from Philly.

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