The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“
There was a new article in the Atlantic magazine this week entitled, “Let’s Declare a Pandemic Amnesty,” with the sub-title “We need to forgive one another for what we did and said when we were in the dark about COVID.”
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you hunky hurricane of hilarity, how do you manage to create these unbelievable absurdist satires of elite thinking that make us laugh so hard we almost put down the torches with which we were going to burn down their corrupted institutions, so we could roast marshmallows in the flames of their spurious expertise and then smear what’s left of their supercilious lack of self-awareness on a graham cracker in order to make smores out of their criminal presumption, before devouring even the crumbs of their unearned sense of superiority while we sing Michael Row the Boat Ashore and other favorite campfire tunes.”
At least, I guess that’s what you’re thinking.
But no, in fact, I’m not making this up! This article actually appeared in the Atlantic written by Emily Oster who, to be fair, is an economics professor at Brown University and so lives in a fathomless darkness of ignorance that you and I couldn’t possibly comprehend. But still, it is worth exploring her arguments before, you know, we relight our torches and continue on our way to the elite’s corrupted institutions in a well-ordered angry mob.
Professor Oster proposes that on the one hand, ordinary Americans should forgive government officials, so-called experts and cultural elites for destroying our economy, vaporizing our dreams, crushing small businesses, and locking us in our apartments while forcing underpaid, mostly minority workers to expose themselves to disease in order to deliver Amazon Fresh luxuries to their country homes. Then, on the other hand, cultural elites and government experts will forgive ordinary Americans for being ten minutes late delivering their chardonnay and thus forcing them to rewind to the beginning of the Downton Abbey marathon before sinking into their bubble bath with a glass of wine in order to endure the horrors of lockdown.
Professor Oster proposes that, on one side, ordinary Americans should forgive the government, experts and cultural elites for preventing us from visiting the hospital so that our grandmothers died alone, crying out for the touch of a familiar hand. Then, on the other side, cultural elites and experts and the government will forgive ordinary Americans for all that whining about, “Oh, please, please don’t let our grandmother die alone,” which was really distracting when government officials were right in the middle of a Zoom call with Mark Zuckerberg telling him to cancel the accounts of anyone who contradicted “The Science” by telling “The Truth.”
Professor Oster proposes that, on the one hand, ordinary Americans should forgive the government and cultural elites for shredding our constitution, shutting our churches, encouraging Black Lives Matter and Antifa riots and destroying the careers of anyone who wouldn’t take their untested vaccine. Then, on the other hand, the government and cultural elites will forgive ordinary Americans for pointing out that these so called elites and experts are in fact the biggest collection of perfidious clowns to ever pour out of a Volkswagen and if they ever had any claim whatsoever to their positions of privilege and power, that claim has now been reduced to less than the fumes of a mosquito’s belch by the vastness of their domineering incompetence — a comment that really, really hurt the elite’s feelings, especially after it turned out to be completely true.
Now, after we declare amnesty for the experts and the government officials and the cultural elites for forcing us to wear a mask and show proof of vaccination before going out to dinner while demanding that imaginary people be allowed to cast imaginary votes for an imaginary Joe Biden without even showing their imaginary ID, maybe we should also grant the experts amnesty for that time they destroyed our energy independence and made us slaves to oil-rich tyrants because of a climate emergency that’s every bit as unreal as the expert’s expertise. Then we can declare amnesty for that time the president called us fascists while he was having FBI SWAT teams raid our homes for disagreeing with him. And how about we declare amnesty for cultural elites sending those drag queens into kindergartens to simulate sex acts. Then, in return, the elites can forgive us for calling them demonic deviant groomers just because they’re grooming children to accept sexual deviance before butchering and drugging them to destroy the male and female images of God and remake them in the image of their own demonic evil.
Then, finally, after we’ve all declared amnesty and everything on both sides is forgiven and forgotten, America can at last return to the things that matter, like burning down the elite’s corrupted institutions and smearing their melted egos on our smores while singing Michael Row the Boat Ashore.
Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.