Happy New Year! We’re Doomed!

The following is the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.

Happy New Year everyone. It’s time for me to reveal my predictions for 2023.

To begin with, I believe the pandemic will return with a vengeance. This time, it will kill everyone on earth who thinks differently than I do, and also all the men except me, and also the unattractive women, so that only beautiful women who agree with me will remain, and they’ll be desperate to have children to replace all the dead people who disagreed with me and so will have to line up to have sex with the last man on earth…

Okay, maybe that’s not actually a prediction. It’s more like a daydream. It would probably never happen. Forget I said anything. I was just kidding around. That’s not my daydream. Really.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. Predictions for 2023.

As the new Republican majority takes over the House, the boisterous GOP conservative minority will band together to form one gigantic moron, making it impossible to get a winning vote so that absolutely nothing will be accomplished until the conservatives cave in and vote along with the moderates so that absolutely nothing will be accomplished.

Climate change will ensure that there are more violent storms in the heavily populated news media, although there will remain the exact same number of storms in reality, where no one lives. The catastrophic rise of temperatures in Democrats’ imaginations will leave their minds in chaos and ruin, so there won’t be much of a change there. But this disaster will finally make it clear even to deniers that if we do not act quickly to hobble western civilization for no reason, the world will come to an end five years ago, exactly as Al Gore predicted. Even now as 2023 begins, it is obvious that climate change represents an existential threat to both polar bears and journalistic integrity, although not to polar bears. Fortunately, we can depend on global leaders to respond to the danger by vigorously giving billions of our dollars in subsidies to those of their relatives and friends who make electric vehicles, solar panels, bird-shaped whirligigs and other attractive lawn decorations.

In medical news, doctors will develop a pill to reverse the effects of Alzheimer’s. President Biden will take the pill and suddenly leap to his feet and shout, “What the hell am I doing? I’ve spent trillions of dollars we don’t have, left the border unguarded and allowed crime to skyrocket! I must have had Alzheimer’s.” Then the drug will wear off, and he’ll lapse into a state of delusional dementia, namely California.

Elsewhere around the country, new laws will go into effect raising the minimum wage for fast food workers so that each and every worker will finally be able to get some rest as they’re replaced by machines. This will be a big improvement as customers will no longer have to deal with some annoying worker at the drive through window, and in fact won’t even see a worker until they drive past the window and the worker hijacks their car, hoping to sell it so he can buy something to eat at the automated fast food place.

In foreign news, Chinese dictator Xi Jinping will change his name to He Jinping because he’s tired of sounding like a girl. Western leaders and journalists will celebrate the Chinese President’s change of pronouns and cheer him on as the first transgender leader to conquer Taiwan. The global welcome to He’s territorial aggression will encourage Russian Leader Vladimir Putin to send a new battalion of tanks into Ukraine to pull the last battalion of tanks out of the mud. Russian journalists will then declare Putin a great man or fall off the top of a building.

Finally, in cultural news, Hollywood creatives will produce a new Marvel film in which each and every superhero represents one of the letters in LGBTQIA. Thus the creatives will finally realize their dream of developing an enormous franchise movie that literally no one watches. This amazing cultural feat will be celebrated at an Oscar ceremony that no one watches before being adapted into a streaming series that no one watches. Then, when Hollywood creatives are absolutely sure no one is watching, they can finally get back to screwing their interns.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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