The Life And Times Of Joe Biden (According To Joe Biden): Volume 1

The Life And Times Of Joe Biden (According To Joe Biden): Volume 1

As President Joe Biden approaches the tender of age 80, he sure has packed a lot into his short time on earth. And what he hasn’t had the time to do, he has made up. The Life And Times Of Joe Biden (According to Joe Biden) are a never-ending saga with more twists and turns than a go-kart track.

Somehow, Biden always comes out on top and depending on which voting bloc he’s speaking to, he always has a story. When critics point out the gaps in his story, the president gives his classic, “C’mon, man,” issues an insult to whomever he’s speaking with — voter or reporter — waves it off and moves on, only to repeat his story at a later date.

For example, remember when he called an Iowa voter fat, said he was a “damn liar” and challenged him to a push-up contest because this poor man asked about his son Hunter’s corruption? 

Still, it’s fun to look back at just a few of Biden’s adventures as he worked his way to the top. From cancer to Corn Pop, from Big Mama to lies about Nelson Mandela, from his college days to a college professor, the list of fables is never-ending.

We’ll do our best to document it for posterity. This is just Volume 1, who knows how many volumes we will fill?

Let’s start close to the beginning.

Joey — as his family used to call him — was born in the mean streets of Scranton, Pennsylvania, before his mom and dad packed up the station wagon and headed south to Wilmington, Delaware.

Biden remembers his days in the ‘electric city’ fondly, but it turns out Wilmington was where he really received some good ol’ fashion lessons from the school of hard knocks.

Biden Gets Cancer From Oil-Slicked Windshields

To start off, Biden had to traverse the treacherous streets to avoid oil slicks — oil slicks that gave him cancer.

While speaking of his time going to a Catholic grade school, Biden said his mom would drive him and his siblings to school which exposed him to dangerous toxins. 

“And guess what?” Biden said this past summer. “The first frost, you knew what was happening. You had to put on your windshield wipers to get, literally, the oil slick off the window.”

“That’s why I and so damn many other people I grew up [with] have cancer and why can — for the longest time, Delaware had the highest cancer rate in the nation,” he added with a tone.

Now, Biden did have skin cancer. The White House claimed that’s what he was referring to, but there is little to no evidence skin cancer was caused by oil-slicked windshields.

In fact, even the Associated Press pointed out, “Though Biden suggested emissions from oil refineries were responsible for his cancer, his doctor previously linked it to sun exposure.”

White Boy Biden Takes On Corn Pop

Biden getting skin cancer from the sun would make sense. It is well known Biden was once the “only white boy” a bunch of black kids knew in East Wilmington — or so he claims — because he was a lifeguard at a public pool.

He even learned to love little kids after they hopped on his lap and rubbed his legs down. (Author’s note: Please don’t blame me for the creepiness of that sentence, I’m just relaying Biden’s life as told by Biden.)

This is worse than “Corn Pop” wtf??? pic.twitter.com/jvDlfGcQif

— Donald Trump Jr. (@DonaldJTrumpJr) December 2, 2019

Anyway, one day Biden tauntingly called a pool-goer named Corn Pop “Esther” after Hollywood actress and swimmer Esther Williams. Corn Pop, as Biden put it, was a “bad dude.” He wanted to fight Biden with a razor. So tough guy Joe took some advice from a pool worker and wrapped his arm in a six-foot metal chain. 

Biden wound up apologizing to Corn Pop and the two made peace.

It was a character-altering day for young Joey. In fact, it would appear this interaction is where Biden’s trans-ethnic experience truly began. 

White Boy Biden Becomes Greek Boy Biden, Puerto Rican Biden, Jewish Biden, Confederate Biden, Black Boy Biden …

Joe Biden is America personified. A true one-man melting pot.

In 2009 Biden announced on Greek Independence Day, “I am an honorary Greek, not only today … but every day.” He has also claimed that America has never had a Greek in the White House, but as vice president, the nation has a “Joe Bidenopulous.”

Why is Biden a Greek? Well, because he claimed in “my first election the Greek community elected me.” 

That’s an interesting statement, because 13 years later while speaking before a hurricane-stricken Puerto Rico, Biden announced, “I was sort of raised in the Puerto Rican community at home politically.”

Biden: “I was sort of raised in the Puerto Rican community at home, politically.”pic.twitter.com/OA1LPK5auy

— Daily Wire (@realDailyWire) October 3, 2022

Of course, in 2019, Biden also declared he had “come out of a Black community, in terms of my support. If you notice, I have more people supporting me in the Black community that have announced for me because they know me, they know who I am.” Biden is so black, he even told actual black voters, “You ain’t black” if you vote for Trump in 2020.

He’s also practically Jewish if you didn’t know. 

“I probably went to shul more than many of you did,” Biden proclaimed during a recent celebration of Rosh Hashanah.

“You all think I’m kidding, he can tell you I’m not,” the president added while gesturing toward a Rabbi from Delaware. “I’m not.”

“I’m a practicing Catholic, but I’d go to services on Saturday and on Sunday,” the president claimed. “You all think I’m kidding. I’m not.”

Whatever Biden is, he isn’t a northeast liberal, according to him. In fact, he’s much more of a southern Dixiecrat, proud of his state’s Confederate ancestry. 

“You don’t know my state,” Biden told Fox News’ Chris Wallace in 2006. “My state was a slave state, my state is a border state, my state has the eighth largest black, population in the country my state is anything from a Northeast liberal state.” In 1987, he made similar comments, saying, “Delaware was on the South’s side in the Civil War.”

Interesting. The man who is now comparing MAGA supporters to traitors once was emphatic and vocal about his state’s Confederate heritage.

So there you have it. Biden is a Southern African-Greek-Puerto Rican-Irish-Jewish-American. And that’s straight from the horse’s mouth. 

Biden Has Understood Gay Love Since An Early Age

In the 1950s, would you believe that two businessmen in a busy corporate setting would dare embrace each other and lock lips on the street in front of others? 

Biden wants you to believe it. Biden claims he was in Wilmington with his Dad when he saw two well-dressed men lock lips on the sidewalk. The boy who would grow up to be president had never seen such a thing, so he looked at his dad and his father reportedly said, “Joey, it’s simple. They love each other.”

Really? Two men in the 50s kissed each other in broad daylight? That doesn’t quite pass the smell test.

The president has told that story numerous times, and for some reason, the lapdog media repeats it verbatim.

To Be Continued …

The president has never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

We’ve only scratched the surface and we haven’t even touched on any of the ‘malarkey’ yet, as Biden likes to say.

Stay tuned for volume II, where we’ll examine the early days of Biden’s education and career.

Rest assured, President Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. has led a life like no other. At least that’s what he wants you to believe.

America