The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
President and venal houseplant Joe Biden met with make-believe-president-but-really-murderous-dictator Xi Jinping this week in an effort to improve relations between China and the part of China that used to be the United States.
Before the meeting, Houseplant Biden told reporters he planned to ask Dictator Xi some hard questions, like, “What is the capital of Indonesia?” and “How do you get the fortune inside the cookie without breaking the cookie? Or do you roll the fortune into the raw dough? But then why doesn’t the fortune catch fire when you cook the dough? And is it really a fortune if it doesn’t tell the future? And if it does tell the future, how do Chinese people know what the future is?” Also, “What does moo goo gai pan mean?” Biden said if Xi could answer any four of these questions correctly, he would win the Risk home game, so he could play at taking over the world as a relaxing break from taking over the world.
President Xi said he would be asking tough questions of President Biden as well, like “What’s that behind you?” Then, when Biden turned around to look, he would steal his watch.
The meeting between Xi and Biden lasted three hours, although that included Biden’s two hour nap, during which Xi had a listening device surgically implanted in one of the president’s liver spots so he could record Biden’s conversations in the Oval Office, and play the results on Chinese TV as a hilarious situation comedy entitled, “Tsi Tai Pao,” which roughly translates as “silly old man says meaningless things to administration underlings who nod with serious looks on their faces and then run the country however they want while media lickspittles pretend everything’s fine, after which the price of gas goes up another dollar.” The show will be aired Tuesdays at 8PM, followed by old reruns of “Three’s Company,” or as it’s called in Chinese, Tsi Tai Pao.
After the meeting, President Biden strode confidently from the conference room into a broom closet where he addressed a collection of mops he mistook for American journalists, until they reported the story accurately whereupon he realized they must’ve been somebody else.
Biden said [quote] “You know, it’s only when you look in a man’s eyes and speak to him directly that you can start to understand his point of view. For instance, I always thought torturing Uighurs was a bad thing, but now that I’ve had a chance to discuss it with President Xi, the next time I meet a Uighur, well, watch out. I also had a chance to ask the president for assurances that he would not invade Taiwan, and he guaranteed me he would no more invade Taiwan than he would implant a listening device in one of my liver spots. Plus he says he’ll continue to send TikTok to America to convince gullible young girls to cut off their breasts and confused boys to have themselves castrated — so we’re both on the same page there. All in all, I was glad to extend the hand of friendship to President Xi though I do wonder what the hell happened to my watch.” [unquote]
Meanwhile, as the Secret Service debated whether to get President Biden out of the broom closet or just leave him there where he’d be safe, President-Not-to-Mention-Murderous-Dictator-for-Life Xi addressed a group of American journalists whom he mistook for mops, until they swabbed the floor with soapy water and then squeezed the dirt out into a bucket, whereupon he realized they were actually American journalists.
Xi said, [quote] “It was a great honor to sit down for a talk with your blithering idiot. Future Vassal Biden had many things to say and I look forward to having them translated into English so I can understand them. Clearly, you have wisely elected a man we Chinese can work with, given that our work is to destroy your economy, enslave your people, and invade your Chinese restaurants so we can find out what the hell Moo Goo Gai Pan is. I was also pleased to be able to present the President with the most sacred symbol of Chinese friendship, a highly communicable respiratory infection. We all very much look forward to hearing more from President Biden Tuesdays at 8PM, followed by reruns of ‘Three’s Company.’” [unquote]
Xi said he hoped the leaders could build on the progress of this first meeting, and then meet next time on Chinese soil, assuming Biden can find his way to Taiwan.
Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.